Tell Me What You Want

In my sophomore year of high school, I learned in geometry class that the shortest distance between two points is a line. I agreed with Mr. Johnson until very recently.

Today, though a line is a fabulous technical definition, I believe that the shortest distance between two points is desire. Think about it: When you want something (or someone), there is no obstacle you won’t mentally minimize in order to get to that person, location or goal.

Snowstorm? No problem.

Unfavorable market conditions? Your product offering will easily overcome that hiccup.

Road construction? Just another opportunity to enjoy the scenery.

The inverse is also true. When you DON’T want to do something, a breath of wind in the wrong direction will suffice to convince you to stop. Molehills quickly become mountains in our eyes and we look for every excuse in the book to avoid the journey from where we comfortably are to where we feel no desire to be. When the bed is warm, the bathroom is far. The kitchen is far. The world is far. We will ignore important physical needs, hunger and all other responsibility because nothing seems more important than where we are right now.

Desire actually distorts reality. It embellishes our own view of ourselves, our ability and our influence. It also diminishes our view of what’s important. Things that don’t fit our definition of “desirable” or are in competition with our comfort get marginalized, discounted and forgotten. Desire doesn’t change the facts; but it does change YOU. It changes your drive, your ambition and your endurance. When you want something, you will work harder, faster and longer to get to it. You will ignore environmental warning signs, physical fatigue and the emotional cost of your desired outcome. Likewise, when you don’t truly desire something, you will ignore environmental warning signs, physical ramifications and the emotional cost of your current, comfortable place.

Relationships, family, business, recreation, finance…there is not a realm of our lives where this principle doesn’t apply.

Desire is an incredible tool. It is what allows very ordinary people to rise above seemingly impossible obstacles to accomplish great things. It is what fuels the accomplishments of great minds and great hearts. It is also what most often sabotages our potential, our effectiveness and our relationships. The difference lies not only in the object of our desire, but also in the outcome. Desires that terminate on self aren’t necessarily bad – but they will always cost you something. Make sure you know what you’re trading off. The ability to identify desire as a tool and the discipline to use it to our advantage is one of the greatest feats we can achieve. Here are my questions:

Will the desire that is driving you ultimately produce results that are beyond you and your world?

Are you able to identify when your desire is keeping you from action that you really NEED to take – even if you don’t WANT to?

Where are you staying in bed when the world is where you really ought to be?

In which areas do you need to reframe your desire in order to overcome obstacles in your journey?

How can you sharpen the tool of desire in your family, business and personal relationships in order to create something exceptional?

Lean forward,

Bekka

Knock, Knock

What does “opportunity” look like to you? I’d like to challenge you today to concretely define what these instances look and feel like to you today. Once you have that definition - critique it. Analyze it. Our definitions will be generated from our unique perspective. Perspective is, by definition, incomplete and positional. There are MANY opportunities that present themselves to us every day that we miss simply because we don’t recognize them. They don’t fit our definition so we overlook, discount or dismiss them altogether because we don’t see them for what they really are. First figure out what opportunity looks like to you – then figure out how to expand that definition.

How can you expand your definition of opportunity this week?

What are two or three steps you can take to better recognize those moments when opportunity knocks?

Where do you need to adjust or develop in your perspective for the purpose of seizing more opportunities in your business, your family, your personal development?

Lean forward,

Bekka

What gets you going?

A few weeks ago, my husband was playing with my 2-year-old daughter and she grabbed his new glasses off of his face. She knows better, but she is also 2 ;) He reacted fairly strongly and louder than necessary. She was scared and confused. He walked away and I said something that, at the time only made sense. After thinking more about the comment, I’ve connected a few things I’d like to share here. I said, “If she’s scared, you will lose the impact of the correction.” Now, there are situations in parenting (and leading in general) where being scared is secondary to issues of safety. If a child is going to touch a hot stove, them being scared is a fair price to avoid them being physically injured – but this was not that type of a situation. My husband went back right away to apologize for being hasty and helped our little girl understand why her behavior was destructive. All was well. The glasses and the hearts were unharmed :)

The GOAL was to motivate the correct behavior in subsequent decision-making situations. How we go about achieving this goal is tremendously important. So let’s talk for a few minutes about motivation.

Human beings are motivated by many things. I’ll group them into two broad categories: positive and negative. Negative sources include avoiding pain, fear, shame, guilt, revenge…all of these are powerful and effective at motivating behavior – but are they the right motivators? Are they the best motivators? Negative motivators are only temporary. Here’s the other thing about negative motivators: they AUTOMATICALLY drive the physical body into a state of fight or flight where all of your non-survival physiological systems are suppressed to “barely functional mode”. Digestion, sensory perception, advanced cognition, problem solving skills, temperature regulation and reproduction systems in the body are reduced to the bare minimum in order to direct as many of the body’s resources to the muscles. In a very literal sense, when you are using these emotions as motivators for your own behavior, you are half-alive. When you use these things as motivators for OTHERS’ behavior, you are effectively robbing from them the opportunity to be fully functional on a physical and emotional level. As leaders…THIS IS PROFOUND.

Positive motivators, though MUCH MORE HEALTHY, are still temporary. When we are motivated by positive goals, we may enjoy a charge long enough to carry us to the finish line. After that goal is accomplished though, we have to conjure up new motivation from a different source. We may be motivated by positive feelings toward another person – but feelings are fleeting and fickle. We may be motivated by a desire to improve our station in life, but anyone who has improved their station in life knows that the ensuing battle against “bigger and better” lingers.

So where should we look for motivation? What is the best, most effective way to push ourselves toward the goals and dreams we all have and wish to accomplish? I propose that the best motivator is the discovery of our own power to make a choice. We all have the power to choose. Every day. Every minute. Every situation. Our response, our words, our attitudes, our thoughts, our behaviors – we all have the ability to choose how we will “be”. This reality carries with it a tremendous amount of power. Even the most oppressed have the ability to choose the thoughts they foster in their own mind. Even the poorest miser has the ability to choose her attitude in the face of her plight.

Accomplishing goals is difficult. It takes hard work. We can find motivation choose to do the hard things every day that move us toward our goals simply from the fact that those goals are ours – we chose them. We value the outcomes. We choose to make changes that better ourselves, our families, our organizations on a grand scale through goals and dreams. We choose to accomplish those dreams and visions on a daily scale though habits, healthy choices and discipline. Little, daily choices support big, life choices you’ve already made. Effective, sustained motivation comes from our ability to choose. Learning the extent of our own power is the most motivating discovery we will ever make.

This topic is one I’ve been chewing on for several weeks and plan to continue on. I encourage you to chew on it as well. Here are some questions:

Which areas of my life am I settling for negative motivation in?

Do I rely on fear, shame or guilt to motivate me? Have I seen that be effective in the long term?

Where am I half-alive?

Do I USE fear, shame or guilt to motivate others?

How often do I have to “revive” my positive motivations because they haven’t lasted or because I’ve already accomplished the goal to which they were attached?

Am I keenly aware of and utilizing my power to choose?

How many of my thoughts, attitudes, responses, words and behaviors do I INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE and OWN as mine? How many do I just allow without thought or awareness of their potential to motivate or sabotage me?

Where am I not harnessing my power to choose how I will “be”?

Lean forward,

Bekka

Destinations

I've never been a big fan of resolutions, the New Year's variety or otherwise. I generally find them only temporarily motivating and ultimately very sporadic in their effectiveness. In my recent learning ventures, some nuances have particularly struck a resonant chord with me. 

Did you know that a ship that slips only a few degrees off of its intended heading can end up hundreds of miles from its desired destination if not corrected? Our lives are no different. I have discovered that in my life, course corrections that bring me back to the desired heading are a whole lot more effective than resolutions. Here's what I mean:

Nearly eight years ago, I began a process that has been directionally significant in my life - perhaps more than any other process I have undertaken. I believe this is due to the fact that through this process, I intentionally set my life's heading. I had just ended a destructive relationship, graduated from my undergrad and left the country for five weeks of recalibration. My schedule prior to that trip had been nothing short of grueling. I was exhausted. Between my body and mind finally having pause from the breakneck speed and jet lag, I slept for 16 hours every day for 2 straight weeks. After my physical body began to regain energy, I spent days at the beach. Water has always been a rejuvenating force for me; it's where I want to go when I'm running on empty. I sat with a pen and notebook for hours, just watching, thinking and breathing in ocean. Eventually I started to write. After several pages, I had a collection of determinations that answered several questions which were deeply personal and I knew MUST be answered for ME:

What do I want my life to look like? Sound like? Feel like?

What priorities will direct me?

What values am I unwilling to compromise in each key area of my life and will I use to baseline my decisions?

How will my home look? How will people feel there?

How will people feel when they finish an interaction or conversation with me?

From there, I began to isolate and articulate specific behaviors that I knew would support the answers to this first series of questions. The list was fairly long. Some of these behaviors were already part of my daily life - some weren't. The ones that were there needed to continue. The ones that weren't needed to start. After critical review, there were behaviors in which I was engaging that worked in direct opposition to my desired answers to these questions. Those needed to stop. You see, I had drifted off course in several ways. But until I took the time and effort to sit down and determine what that course was, I was powerless to correct it because I had nothing to align my behaviors with. The result of this process were two documents: one that doesn't change and one that does. 

That trip was nearly eight years ago. Every New Year's, I take time away to go back and look at the unchanging document. It's my collection of answers to that first series of questions. It's the vision and purpose for how I want my life to be and how I want others to be impacted as a result of their lives colliding with mine. Those answers and desires are birthed out of a deep set of values and convictions that, for me are lifelong. Then I work on editing that second document - it changes slightly from year to year. It is the set of actions and behaviors that facilitate the RESULTS outlined in the first document. It is my set of course corrections. It is my opportunity to really look at each of the areas in which I've identified my heading and adjust. The process is tremendously encouraging as I see where I'm on course. It's also challenging as I see where I've allowed myself to drift.

Some people differentiate these ideas by using terms like "Vision Statement" vs. "Mission Statement". I like to think of it as the difference between a destination and a road map. I have to know where I want to end up AND the daily directions of how to get there. One without the other is fairly useless. Growth is a RESULT. Destinations are a RESULT. Behaviors and habits are the CAUSES that drive those RESULTS.

This year, maybe instead of setting a bunch of resolutions that may only impact certain isolated areas of your life, take some time to think about answers to bigger questions...

Have you determined on a grander scale what you want your life to look like?

Have you decided which questions MUST be answered for YOU?

Have you answered them?

Which specific behaviors are you already doing that support those answers? War against those answers?

Which behaviors need to start in order to get back on course?

Determine your destination in every key area of your life: emotional, physical, intellectual, relational and spiritual. Then nail down the behaviors that will keep you on course and get you back on course where you've drifted. Your behaviors are always moving you toward something. Make sure you are on the right track. 

Lean forward, 

Bekka