I was awake in the
middle of last night. Unable to get back to sleep as quickly as I wanted, I did
what we all do – reached for my phone to look at my facebook feed. Lame –
but true. I ended up reading an article on a notoriously debated topic and against
my better judgment (it was 2am), I posted a reply to the article. The topic and
stances are unimportant but the responses to my comment as well as the
posture of the original author signaled to me a major chasm in the way we
relate to, communicate with and learn from each other. There was a distinct and
profound lack of a relational skill called empathy. Why does that matter?
Empathy is the skill of
being able to set your own opinions, beliefs and preferences aside in order to
assume the position of the person with whom you are speaking. It is an attempt
at gathering information and perspective that you do not naturally possess
simply because you are not seeing things from that person’s point of view
unless you intentionally leave your own for a minute. Empathy’s primary goal is
UNDERSTANDING – whether that understanding ultimately results in agreement or
not. Empathy asks these questions:
“Why do you feel this
way?”
“What experiences have
you had that have brought you to these conclusions?”
“If you were to change
your viewpoint on this issue, what other beliefs would have to change as a
result?”
“What does this topic
look like from where you stand?”
“How do you see ME from
here?”
Empathy is a
prerequisite for communication – and it is MISSING in so many conversations in
our world today. We are preoccupied with our own perspective and viewpoint. We
are unable to temporarily disconnect our opinions and beliefs from our
self-worth and self-image long enough to seek understanding of another
position. We refuse to remove the lenses of our own worldview in order to look
through another FOR THE SAKE OF COMMUNICATION. This doesn’t mean you abandon
yourself and adopt everyone else’s perspective. It does mean that you value the
interaction and the person across the table from you enough to establish the “why”
behind their opinion.
Leadership is impossible
without empathy. No one will follow you somewhere new if you don’t acknowledge
and validate the place they already stand. Developing this leadership skill
will revolutionize your conversations. It will change the way you see others. It
will create credibility in you that you never thought possible. It may even
lead to you reviewing and refining your own perspective to be more relatable to
those who’s opinions differ from yours.
Lean forward,
Bekka
