Connection

I love to read. It’s one of my vices/releases/focusers/outlets/teachers and I am diligent to incorporate it into my schedule often. I am fairly diverse in the topics I choose to read on but my preference is always writing that teaches me more about me. I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way. I just don’t believe I’m that much different from anyone else and so, in learning about myself I also learn about others. I’m smack in the middle of Brene Brown’s amazing text called Daring Greatly. I won’t rehash the themes of the book – I’ll just say “put it on your list”. And perhaps shove the top one off so it’s next in queue. It’s that good.

One of the topics she covers brilliantly is that of Connection. I’ve been chewing on the concept for several days and want to share a few of my thoughts. I’ll start with a story from a work trip I made this weekend:

My husband’s grandfather is 90+ years old. I spent Sunday morning at breakfast with him at a historic inn located in Stillwater, Minnesota. In the conversation, one of us posed the question to him, “What is the biggest change you’ve seen over the course of your lifetime?” His answer started with a comment about cell phones and how people can hardly have a conversation without pulling out their phone to “leave” those present in favor of those absent.

Reality check.

He continued to explain that before all of the tools we have to “stay connected”, there was a lot more Connection. He didn’t say it in these exact words but his message was clear. We are too busy trying to do everything that we end up accomplishing very little. We are too busy talking to everyone that we hardly truly communicate with anyone. We are so caught up in the illusion of connectivity to the world that we miss what it looks like to actually experience genuine Connection with individual people. His actual words were “Families don’t know how to be families anymore.” Activities, errands, and the busy-ness of ensuring that no one “misses out” on an opportunity ultimately result in missing out on the Connection that Brown describes as “the reason we are here and how we are neurobiologically wired.”

And again.

Connection does not equal conversation - nor does it equal communication. Often, these are the well-worn paths Connection loves to travel but they are not always necessary. What is necessary, always, is time and space. When we commit time to another person – distraction-free, focused, preoccupation-free time, we plant the seeds from which Connection explodes. When we create space to breathe, space to look at each other and listen with our whole self to ALL that person is saying with their whole self, we water the ground from which Connection rises. Time and space require a quiet mind and a quiet heart – the opposite direction from every cultural undercurrent’s tow. They require our intention, our attention and our value.

As leaders, we must be militant about remembering Connection with those who look toward and follow us. We must be committed to Connection with those who walk alongside us on our leadership path. We must be intentional about Connection with those who are a few mile markers ahead – like Grandpa – who so beautifully remind us that oftentimes less really is more. 

Less busy-ness equals more accomplishment. 

Less talking equals more communication. 

Less noise equals more volume on the things we really need to hear. 

Less connectivity equals more Connection.

In which of these areas do you need to recalibrate your brain?

In your world, who is desperate for Connection with you? 

Understanding that it's how what we are designed for, do you truly value Connection as  "the reason we are here"?

Are you willing to find areas, not where you can do more, but where you can intentionally do less IN ORDER TO EXPERIENCE MORE?

Lean forward, 

Bekka

Can you see it?

This past weekend, I held a training morning for the leaders in my company. One of the things we discussed was defining what “success” means to each of us. I’ve mentioned this before at a high level but I want to dive in a little deeper to the importance of being specific about your mental picture of success. Definition creates direction. Not until you can clearly see what you’re shooting for can you take steps toward it.

Vague and non-specific descriptors of success will accomplish several outcomes.

1.)  Frustration

Every action is a cause. Every cause creates an effect. When you take an action that lacks a direct articulation to the DESIRED end result, you will experience an effect apart from that desired result. Embedded in this principle is the assumption that you know – inside and out – your desired result. Unless you do, you can’t tie your actions to it. And unless your actions are tied to it, you will experience the frustration that comes from ending up in a place you weren’t intending to go.

2.)  Waste

I hate waste. I hate wasted time, energy, money, attention…I hate it all. To me, waste equals a lack of stewardship of the resources God has entrusted to each of us. I take it very seriously – and I know I’m not alone. Knowing that I could have chosen to spend my time effectively and didn’t causes me literal grief. How much resource do we waste every day simply because we don’t have a goal to direct those resources toward? How potent could our lives, our businesses, our families be if we took the time to stop and asses where we really want to be in 20, 10, five years? In one year? In one month? Thanks to Dave Ramsey, most of us know the difference it makes when we tell our money where to go instead of just letting it go where it will. This is a powerful principle that, through our finances, affects our entire life. How much more impact would we see in our lives if we applied this same principle to our time, our attention and our energy?

3.)  Apathy

When you fail to accomplish a vague task, it’s easy to make excuses. It’s easy to find all the reasons why we couldn’t get around to finishing it because it wasn’t very clear what we were actually doing anyway. Lack of clarity and definition around what our lives are about allows us to live in a lazy way without much consequence. I don’t want to be apathetic. I have a tremendous amount of resource, talent, time and earning potential. God has given me everything I need for life. I have a responsibility to create as much good with it as I possibly can – for others AND for my family. I want to figure out where I’m going and then floor it. I don’t want to get to the end of my life with a bunch of unused resource and potential. I want to use it all in a magnificent effort to create good.

Consider the difference: “I want a better life for myself and my family” versus “I want to put my kids in private school, take four learning-centered vacations each year, learn a foreign language with my family and own a beach home where my family and my friends can vacation and recharge.”

Another difference: “I want to make more money” versus “I want to make enough money each year to call the charities of my choice and ask them what their most pressing needs are – then write a check to finance it. I want to build a well in each country on the African continent by the time I’m 40. In the next five years, want to purchase an RV, a boat and a hot tub. And I want to visit each of my sponsored children on their birthday in the next five years.”

And lastly, “I want to travel” versus “I want to take vacations to Greece, Italy, French Polynesia and Lake Tahoe over the next ten years.”

Do you see the difference? One is generic – the other is personal. One is bland – the other is vibrant. One is boring – the other is exciting. One seems distant and static – the other creates movement and invites you.

The way I’ve chosen to create this definition of success in my own life is to use a Vision Board. I found creating it to be a fantastic and useful exercise for me. On it are pictures of things, ideas, people, places that I want to be part of my life before I am done with it – many of which you just read about. I highly encourage you to make one.

One of my leaders said to me after the training this weekend, “Look how much we’ve accomplished without focus. Imagine what it could look like if we aimed all of our firepower in the same direction.” That’s what I’m talking about.

Lean Forward,

Bekka

CO$T

I read an article the other week about a man who had twelve kids. He raised them all in such a way that among several other examples of self-responsibility, they each paid for their own college tuition. This is impressive if you have one child – let alone twelve. He seemed obsessed with the idea of using his children’s childhood primarily as a training ground for them to be responsible and successful in their adult life. As a fairly new parent, this truly inspired me.

One example he gave of empowering his kids to learn involved his 15-year-old son changing the oil in the family car for the first time. Refusing his dad’s offer for instruction, he disappeared into the garage. After about an hour, he returned asking how much more oil his dad thought the car would take. He had just drained 18 quarts of oil into the car’s radiator. His dad didn’t get mad – instead he chose to take the opportunity to walk his son thru the process of correcting a mistake and completing a task as requested. He paid for a radiator flush and the correct materials, all the while graciously and carefully walking his son thru each step of the process. I was so inspired by this father who chose to use a situation many would have considered a disaster as a classroom. He didn’t require financial repayment for the mistake – he covered that. But he did demonstrate (while including his son) the time required to make things right after poor planning causes an undesirable situation. He helped his son learn what it meant to take responsibility for a mistake, fix the damage and follow thru on what he was asked to do in the first place. I remember thinking after I read it, “Learning is expensive.”

Now, before we get side-tracked into a myopic simplification that “kids are expensive”, remember that student loan payment you just made. Learning is expensive – at every age. And even if the lesson is “free”, the time it takes to learn is pricey. Take a few minutes to think about how much more time, dialog and attention it takes to teach someone how to do something versus just doing it yourself. I believe this is a huge reason we as leaders fail to excel at teaching others. 

It is time-costly. 

It is attention-costly. 

It is an investment we underestimate the cost of and as a result, we often start lessons we never finish. This can damage valuable trust we have built with those we lead. Teaching takes patience, empathy, grace and tolerance. Before you embark teaching a “lesson”, take a few minutes to remind yourself of these qualities that you will be required to demonstrate…repeatedly. Get your head right from the outset. Commit to be a good teacher, not just someone who already knows how to do a task.

Refill

I love to watch people. Not in a creepy way. I think we can learn so much from watching the ways people interact with each other. So often, we are so consumed with ourselves and our people that we don’t take time to look up and learn from our surroundings.

Two weeks ago while playing with Stella at the Community Center, I saw a woman with two young girls. Through the course of the playtime, I learned she was their mother. I also learned she was exhausted. She was frustrated. And if she was aware of others’ perceptions, she didn’t care much what those present thought of her…if she was aware of her daughters’ perceptions, she didn’t care much what these two little girls thought of her – at least not in that moment.

I wondered a few things about this woman who was obviously feeling empty herself. I wondered if she knew she’s a leader. I wondered if she knew two little girls, who were throwing themselves in joy into her less-than-receptive lap, are following her. I wondered if she knew the impact she was having on the room full of children and parents who brought them. I wondered if she knew how to take care of herself in order to fuel and inspire those who look to her for leadership. I wondered if she had anyone in her life to help her. I wondered if she felt the weight of life so heavily that she couldn’t see the truth that help is everywhere if we choose to invest in relationship. I wondered if she knew she was more powerful than she felt.

I don’t know her story – but I do know she’s a leader. I know she’s empty. I know I haven’t gotten her out of my head for two weeks. I know she’s made me think critically about my own leadership example. And if I see her again, I will ask her how I can help her because everything she openly communicated to us in the room that day was need.

Do you know you’re a leader? Do you know you’re being followed?

Do you know you are always communicating to EVERYONE you come in contact with? Are you communicating inspiration or exhaustion?

Are you running on empty? Do you need to take time to refill so you can give out?

Do you have others in your life to help you? If not, why not? Don’t make excuses, make friends.

Do you know you are more powerful than you feel? Are you willing to surround yourself with people who see that and bring it out of you?

Lean Forward,

Bekka

What do you expect?

From yourself, from your family, from those you lead…what do you expect?

Expectations are powerful things. They say a lot about what we believe about ourselves and what we believe about others. 

    Are you someone who has higher expectations of yourself than you have of other people? 

    Vice versa? 

    Are you someone who believes others should know what you expect without telling them? 

    Or do you explicitly share your expectations like a measuring stick for others 
    to follow – or not follow? 

We all tend toward various ends of these extremes.

In college, I studied something called Expectation Violation Theory. It states that when an expectation is not met or is “violated” – even positively – trust between the two parties is impacted. This is a powerful concept and underscores the importance of having accurate and reasonable expectations both of ourselves and of others. Trust is what enables partnerships to function in a healthy way. If we are working on something – anything – with another person, we need to find ways to protect trust. Expectation faux pas cause frequent friction. Luckily, this is also an area that can be improved with some intentional action and practice.

Successful people have mastered the art of matching their expectations to ability – both their own and others’. The most important differentiator, though, is how successful people communicate their expectations:

1.)   Know who you’re talking to.

How can you match your expectation to another’s ability if you don’t know their ability? The better we know those from whom we expect certain behaviors or outcomes, the higher our chance to make that match. Take the time to really get to know people. Ask good questions. Then LISTEN to the answers. 

2.)   Communicate your expectations.

Others can’t read your mind. How often could miscommunications be avoided if we just clearly and respectfully share with others what we expect from them? Have conversations - easy ones, hard ones, awkward ones and funny ones. Just have them. 

3.)   Speak their language.

Communicating is the first step – but if others don’t hear what you’re saying, the message isn’t getting through. Expectation violation is bound to result. This step becomes easier the better you know the other person.

What speaks to them? Say that.

What motivates them? Do that.

What inspires them? Be that.

 

4.)   Be consistent.

People forget. It happens. Reminding people of your expectations in a way that is kind and firm is an art. It takes practice – a lot of practice. Don’t change your expectations without communication. And don’t assume people will remember your expectation after you state it one time. 

5.)   Show grace.

No one is perfect. You won’t always be successful at defining and communicating your expectations. Have grace for yourself. Others won’t always be successful at meeting your expectations. Have grace for them. Be willing to stop, analyze, recalibrate and try again. This is a skill. Be willing to take the time to hone it and improve upon it.

Lean Forward,

Bekka

Gratitude

Leaders are often accused of being insatiable. Nothing is ever enough. We are always looking ahead to the next goal, the next benchmark or the next new development. While necessary, I think this character trait of pushing the boundaries and living ahead of the curve often bends leaders toward a lack of gratitude. I know that I have a tendency to favor pushing forward over pausing to reflect and be thankful for the present – whether that involves progress, achievement or rest. I also know that if I tend toward this myself, those I lead feel it as well. If I’m not careful, I can portray an attitude of one who is never satisfied – one who is ungrateful.

How can you practically show gratitude to someone you lead today?

When was the last time you said “thank you” for another’s effort WITHOUT immediately talking about the next thing to reach for?

When was the last time you paused to reflect with a feeling of gratitude on the last 30 days and the accomplishments you’ve made personally?

Lean forward,

Bekka

Posture

At my chiropractor this morning, I learned that the cause behind the soreness in my upper back was my neck bones being out of place. I dug more deeply into the subject because the bones in my neck are out of place every time I go to the chiropractor. I’m one of those people who LOVES to have their neck “cracked” so I wasn’t overly motivated to find reasons to lessen the frequency of this experience. But I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this so I pushed further and asked how I can improve the situation. As it turns out, these bones come out of place most often due to a downward head posture. Laptops, texting, reading a book in your lap – basically things I do all day long, every day – pull the bones in the neck out of place and affect the nerve supply to the whole upper back region of the body. By consciously adjusting my head up, I can help my neck and back be more healthy.

Leaders have the difficult job of multi-tasking. We need to look up in life and business in order to see what’s coming and prepare for it. But we also need to operate “heads down” in much of life in order to get things done. The physical body is designed to be able to do both of these postures effectively BUT – when we spend too much time with our heads down, things get out of place. The result can be very painful and require corrective action.

In which areas are you spending too much time with your head down?

Where do you frequently feel blind-sided by events and circumstances?

How can you improve your ability to be INTENTIONAL about your leadership posture?

Lean forward,

Bekka