A few weeks ago, my
husband was playing with my 2-year-old daughter and she grabbed his new glasses
off of his face. She knows better, but she is also 2 ;) He reacted fairly
strongly and louder than necessary. She was scared and confused. He walked away
and I said something that, at the time only made sense. After thinking more
about the comment, I’ve connected a few things I’d like to share here. I said,
“If she’s scared, you will lose the impact of the correction.” Now, there are
situations in parenting (and leading in general) where being scared is
secondary to issues of safety. If a child is going to touch a hot stove, them
being scared is a fair price to avoid them being physically injured – but this
was not that type of a situation. My husband went back right away to apologize
for being hasty and helped our little girl understand why her behavior was
destructive. All was well. The glasses and the hearts were unharmed :)
The GOAL was to motivate
the correct behavior in subsequent decision-making situations. How we go about
achieving this goal is tremendously important. So let’s talk for a few minutes
about motivation.
Human beings are
motivated by many things. I’ll group them into two broad categories: positive
and negative. Negative sources include avoiding pain, fear, shame, guilt, revenge…all
of these are powerful and effective at motivating behavior – but are they the
right motivators? Are they the best motivators? Negative motivators are only
temporary. Here’s the other thing about negative motivators: they AUTOMATICALLY
drive the physical body into a state of fight or flight where all of your
non-survival physiological systems are suppressed to “barely functional mode”. Digestion,
sensory perception, advanced cognition, problem solving skills, temperature
regulation and reproduction systems in the body are reduced to the bare minimum
in order to direct as many of the body’s resources to the muscles. In a very
literal sense, when you are using these emotions as motivators for your own
behavior, you are half-alive. When you use these things as motivators for
OTHERS’ behavior, you are effectively robbing from them the opportunity to be
fully functional on a physical and emotional level. As leaders…THIS IS PROFOUND.
Positive motivators,
though MUCH MORE HEALTHY, are still temporary. When we are motivated by
positive goals, we may enjoy a charge long enough to carry us to the finish
line. After that goal is accomplished though, we have to conjure up new
motivation from a different source. We may be motivated by positive feelings
toward another person – but feelings are fleeting and fickle. We may be
motivated by a desire to improve our station in life, but anyone who has
improved their station in life knows that the ensuing battle against “bigger
and better” lingers.
So where should we look
for motivation? What is the best, most effective way to push ourselves toward
the goals and dreams we all have and wish to accomplish? I propose that the
best motivator is the discovery of our own power to make a choice. We all have
the power to choose. Every day. Every minute. Every situation. Our response,
our words, our attitudes, our thoughts, our behaviors – we all have the ability
to choose how we will “be”. This reality carries with it a tremendous amount of
power. Even the most oppressed have the ability to choose the thoughts they
foster in their own mind. Even the poorest miser has the ability to choose her
attitude in the face of her plight.
Accomplishing goals is
difficult. It takes hard work. We can find motivation choose to do the hard
things every day that move us toward our goals simply from the fact that those
goals are ours – we chose them. We value the outcomes. We choose to make
changes that better ourselves, our families, our organizations on a grand scale
through goals and dreams. We choose to accomplish those dreams and visions on a
daily scale though habits, healthy choices and discipline. Little, daily choices
support big, life choices you’ve already made. Effective, sustained motivation
comes from our ability to choose. Learning the extent of our own power is the
most motivating discovery we will ever make.
This topic is one I’ve
been chewing on for several weeks and plan to continue on. I encourage you to
chew on it as well. Here are some questions:
Which areas of my life
am I settling for negative motivation in?
Do I rely on fear, shame
or guilt to motivate me? Have I seen that be effective in the long term?
Where am I half-alive?
Do I USE fear, shame or
guilt to motivate others?
How often do I have to
“revive” my positive motivations because they haven’t lasted or because I’ve
already accomplished the goal to which they were attached?
Am I keenly aware of and
utilizing my power to choose?
How many of my thoughts,
attitudes, responses, words and behaviors do I INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE and OWN as
mine? How many do I just allow without thought or awareness of their potential
to motivate or sabotage me?
Where am I not
harnessing my power to choose how I will “be”?
Lean forward,
Bekka