Refill

I love to watch people. Not in a creepy way. I think we can learn so much from watching the ways people interact with each other. So often, we are so consumed with ourselves and our people that we don’t take time to look up and learn from our surroundings.

Two weeks ago while playing with Stella at the Community Center, I saw a woman with two young girls. Through the course of the playtime, I learned she was their mother. I also learned she was exhausted. She was frustrated. And if she was aware of others’ perceptions, she didn’t care much what those present thought of her…if she was aware of her daughters’ perceptions, she didn’t care much what these two little girls thought of her – at least not in that moment.

I wondered a few things about this woman who was obviously feeling empty herself. I wondered if she knew she’s a leader. I wondered if she knew two little girls, who were throwing themselves in joy into her less-than-receptive lap, are following her. I wondered if she knew the impact she was having on the room full of children and parents who brought them. I wondered if she knew how to take care of herself in order to fuel and inspire those who look to her for leadership. I wondered if she had anyone in her life to help her. I wondered if she felt the weight of life so heavily that she couldn’t see the truth that help is everywhere if we choose to invest in relationship. I wondered if she knew she was more powerful than she felt.

I don’t know her story – but I do know she’s a leader. I know she’s empty. I know I haven’t gotten her out of my head for two weeks. I know she’s made me think critically about my own leadership example. And if I see her again, I will ask her how I can help her because everything she openly communicated to us in the room that day was need.

Do you know you’re a leader? Do you know you’re being followed?

Do you know you are always communicating to EVERYONE you come in contact with? Are you communicating inspiration or exhaustion?

Are you running on empty? Do you need to take time to refill so you can give out?

Do you have others in your life to help you? If not, why not? Don’t make excuses, make friends.

Do you know you are more powerful than you feel? Are you willing to surround yourself with people who see that and bring it out of you?

Lean Forward,

Bekka

What do you expect?

From yourself, from your family, from those you lead…what do you expect?

Expectations are powerful things. They say a lot about what we believe about ourselves and what we believe about others. 

    Are you someone who has higher expectations of yourself than you have of other people? 

    Vice versa? 

    Are you someone who believes others should know what you expect without telling them? 

    Or do you explicitly share your expectations like a measuring stick for others 
    to follow – or not follow? 

We all tend toward various ends of these extremes.

In college, I studied something called Expectation Violation Theory. It states that when an expectation is not met or is “violated” – even positively – trust between the two parties is impacted. This is a powerful concept and underscores the importance of having accurate and reasonable expectations both of ourselves and of others. Trust is what enables partnerships to function in a healthy way. If we are working on something – anything – with another person, we need to find ways to protect trust. Expectation faux pas cause frequent friction. Luckily, this is also an area that can be improved with some intentional action and practice.

Successful people have mastered the art of matching their expectations to ability – both their own and others’. The most important differentiator, though, is how successful people communicate their expectations:

1.)   Know who you’re talking to.

How can you match your expectation to another’s ability if you don’t know their ability? The better we know those from whom we expect certain behaviors or outcomes, the higher our chance to make that match. Take the time to really get to know people. Ask good questions. Then LISTEN to the answers. 

2.)   Communicate your expectations.

Others can’t read your mind. How often could miscommunications be avoided if we just clearly and respectfully share with others what we expect from them? Have conversations - easy ones, hard ones, awkward ones and funny ones. Just have them. 

3.)   Speak their language.

Communicating is the first step – but if others don’t hear what you’re saying, the message isn’t getting through. Expectation violation is bound to result. This step becomes easier the better you know the other person.

What speaks to them? Say that.

What motivates them? Do that.

What inspires them? Be that.

 

4.)   Be consistent.

People forget. It happens. Reminding people of your expectations in a way that is kind and firm is an art. It takes practice – a lot of practice. Don’t change your expectations without communication. And don’t assume people will remember your expectation after you state it one time. 

5.)   Show grace.

No one is perfect. You won’t always be successful at defining and communicating your expectations. Have grace for yourself. Others won’t always be successful at meeting your expectations. Have grace for them. Be willing to stop, analyze, recalibrate and try again. This is a skill. Be willing to take the time to hone it and improve upon it.

Lean Forward,

Bekka

Gratitude

Leaders are often accused of being insatiable. Nothing is ever enough. We are always looking ahead to the next goal, the next benchmark or the next new development. While necessary, I think this character trait of pushing the boundaries and living ahead of the curve often bends leaders toward a lack of gratitude. I know that I have a tendency to favor pushing forward over pausing to reflect and be thankful for the present – whether that involves progress, achievement or rest. I also know that if I tend toward this myself, those I lead feel it as well. If I’m not careful, I can portray an attitude of one who is never satisfied – one who is ungrateful.

How can you practically show gratitude to someone you lead today?

When was the last time you said “thank you” for another’s effort WITHOUT immediately talking about the next thing to reach for?

When was the last time you paused to reflect with a feeling of gratitude on the last 30 days and the accomplishments you’ve made personally?

Lean forward,

Bekka

Posture

At my chiropractor this morning, I learned that the cause behind the soreness in my upper back was my neck bones being out of place. I dug more deeply into the subject because the bones in my neck are out of place every time I go to the chiropractor. I’m one of those people who LOVES to have their neck “cracked” so I wasn’t overly motivated to find reasons to lessen the frequency of this experience. But I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this so I pushed further and asked how I can improve the situation. As it turns out, these bones come out of place most often due to a downward head posture. Laptops, texting, reading a book in your lap – basically things I do all day long, every day – pull the bones in the neck out of place and affect the nerve supply to the whole upper back region of the body. By consciously adjusting my head up, I can help my neck and back be more healthy.

Leaders have the difficult job of multi-tasking. We need to look up in life and business in order to see what’s coming and prepare for it. But we also need to operate “heads down” in much of life in order to get things done. The physical body is designed to be able to do both of these postures effectively BUT – when we spend too much time with our heads down, things get out of place. The result can be very painful and require corrective action.

In which areas are you spending too much time with your head down?

Where do you frequently feel blind-sided by events and circumstances?

How can you improve your ability to be INTENTIONAL about your leadership posture?

Lean forward,

Bekka